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<p>很多同學(xué)在撰寫personal statement的時(shí)候會遇到這樣一個(gè)困惑：在文章里窮舉自己所能想到的所有經(jīng)歷和素材，最后寫出來的PS往往泛泛而談、缺乏亮點(diǎn)，讓人提不起閱讀的興趣。他們都忽略了一件事：<strong>重點(diǎn)太多等于沒有重點(diǎn)，好的PS是&ldquo;刪&rdquo;出來的</strong>。</p> <p><br /><strong>化繁為簡</strong>，是在同學(xué)們寫PS的過程中回顧自己過往的人生經(jīng)歷、篩選寫作素材的時(shí)候首先要做的一件事。一篇引人入勝的PS，最重要的就是能夠在<strong>極短的篇幅內(nèi)奠定主旨</strong>，讓招生官知道「我」如何契合這個(gè)研究生項(xiàng)目、「我」為什么會選擇這個(gè)項(xiàng)目。</p> <p><br />今天的心動的文書欄目，帶大家直觀對比下文書的繁與簡，以及如何&ldquo;刪&rdquo;出一篇好文書？</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <h1><span style="color: #ffffff;"><strong>個(gè)人陳述如何化繁為簡?</strong></span></h1> <p>&nbsp;</p> <h2><span style="color: #1890ff;"><strong>方法一、由「面」到「點(diǎn)」，緊扣一個(gè)主題，而不是多個(gè)</strong></span></h2> <p><br /><strong>Before：</strong></p> <p><br />My interest in film appreciation started during my freshman year after watching the US and Chinese film versions of Letter from an Unknown Woman...【電影鑒賞：研究中外兩版《一個(gè)陌生女人的來信》】 Jia Zhangke's Platform particularly impressed me with its focus on self-expression and influenced my film aesthetics...【自我表達(dá)：賈樟柯的《站臺》】 In today's world, where thinking patterns and aesthetics are becoming rigid and dominated by entertainment and consumerism, the depth and richness of self-expression in the Chinese film industry have declined...【批判思維：中國當(dāng)代電影娛樂至死的現(xiàn)象】 I was honored to participate in the China Entertainment Innovation Summit, gaining a better understanding of China's film industrialization system...【行業(yè)理解：參加電影峰會】</p> <p><br /><strong>After：</strong></p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>I watched Jia Zhangke's Platform in my eighth, the age of the most carefree and <strong>worry-free</strong>. Despite not fully <strong>comprehending</strong> the themes of youth and <strong>obscure</strong> life, the film left a lasting impact on me with its strong emotions.【8歲初看賈樟柯的《站臺》：盡管未能深入理解內(nèi)涵，但對其細(xì)膩的情感表達(dá)印象深刻】 Upon re-watching it as an adult, I was deeply inspired by Jia's films to believe in the potential of film as a medium for <strong>self-expression</strong> <strong>and capturing</strong> society.【長大后重看《站臺》：深刻理解賈樟柯通過電影表達(dá)的個(gè)體生命和深刻思想】 This belief has shaped my life and led me to study film. I am eager to delve deeper into the techniques and styles that make film such a powerful tool for exploring individual life in a <strong>diverse</strong> cultural environment.【引申到對個(gè)人職業(yè)發(fā)展的影響】</p> <p><br />原文花費(fèi)大量篇幅描述「我」做研究、看電影、參加研討會，致力于從多方面展現(xiàn)「我」與電影的深入交集既要突出影視鑒賞、人文關(guān)懷，又要強(qiáng)調(diào)自我表達(dá)、美學(xué)素養(yǎng)，還想證明自己有批判性精神&hellip;&hellip;但卻顯得機(jī)器空洞、泛泛而談。這是<strong>因?yàn)橄胍鑼懙奶?lt;/strong>，每一個(gè)「面」都有涉及，但其中的「點(diǎn)」沒有深挖，就會使文章空有議論而缺乏實(shí)證。</p> <p><br />因此，修改后的PS刪去了原文中過多事例，緊扣「電影自我表達(dá)」的點(diǎn)，講述「我」小時(shí)候和長大后兩次觀看賈樟柯《站臺》的不同感受，體現(xiàn)「我」在電影研究這條道路上前進(jìn)和探索的過程和不斷成長的思想深度。<strong>英文刪減了原素材中的許多內(nèi)容，僅僅選擇了賈導(dǎo)的電影啟蒙和自我表達(dá)，但信息量依然不顯得單薄</strong>。<strong>原因是在上述基礎(chǔ)上加入了一條時(shí)間線，塑造了「我」的人設(shè)</strong>：通過對比「我」小時(shí)候和長大后看《站臺》的不同心境和思考，一方面體現(xiàn)「我」在電影研究這條道路上前進(jìn)和探索的過程，另一方面展現(xiàn)「我」的思想深度隨著時(shí)間推移而不斷成長。同時(shí)，「我」的研究興趣和職業(yè)規(guī)劃也通過這一段進(jìn)行強(qiáng)調(diào)，后面無論內(nèi)容和立足點(diǎn)怎么寫都不會脫離這個(gè)范疇。</p> <h2><br /><span style="color: #1890ff;"><strong>方法二、由「表」及「里」，深入剖析所申請專業(yè)的理解和價(jià)值，而不是列舉表面現(xiàn)象</strong></span></h2> <p><br /><strong>Before：</strong></p> <p><br />I have a deep interest in the diverse range of sounds in our world.【開頭略嫌老套】 Although I temporarily stepped away from my musical interests during my college years, my passion for sound and music never faded. When I listen to music, I contemplate the various instruments and vocals that come out of the speakers, and I'm curious about why different brands of keyboards produce different tapping sounds, or why every car outside has a unique engine sound. 【列舉聲學(xué)存在的表面現(xiàn)象：音響、鍵盤、引擎&hellip;&hellip;會顯得比較膚淺、外行】This curiosity is what drew me to the field of acoustics.</p> <p><br /><strong>After：</strong></p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>My hearing is sensitive, which has made me <strong>keenly attuned to</strong> the impact of sound in my daily life. From the nuances of speech to the <strong>cacophony</strong> of a busy street, I have always been <strong>intrigued</strong> by how sound works and how it affects our lives. 【興趣最初的起源：對聲音產(chǎn)生的原理十分好奇】What <strong>reinvigorated</strong> my love for acoustics was the story of a newborn who was able to hear her mother's voice for the first time through a cochlear implant. 【重點(diǎn)事例激發(fā)興趣：聽障的新生兒通過人工耳蝸第一次聽到母親和外界的聲音】This was <strong>a poignant reminder</strong> of the significant impact that acoustics have on our lives and its ability to transform people's experiences through sound. It <strong>solidified my resolve</strong> to have a career in this field.【結(jié)合專業(yè)的社會價(jià)值闡述深入學(xué)習(xí)的決心】</p> <p><br />原文是一篇跨專業(yè)申請聲學(xué)技術(shù)研究的個(gè)人陳述，然而開篇列舉的音樂播放器、鍵盤聲音、汽車引擎轟鳴等等，都僅僅在列舉聲學(xué)的「表面現(xiàn)象」，不僅顯得冗雜繁多，還缺乏對其應(yīng)用的深入認(rèn)知和了解。這會使得文書永遠(yuǎn)停留在<strong>「興趣」的表層</strong>，無法讓讀者信服「我」是真的主動了解這個(gè)方向。</p> <p><br />修改后的文書首先將原文中提及到的「聲學(xué)表象」做了概括，從自身出發(fā)：「我」天生對聲音十分敏感，能敏銳地感知到聲音對日程生活的影響，對聲音如何影響生活方式十分感興趣；其次，在這個(gè)基礎(chǔ)上增加了一個(gè)「聲音影響生活方式」的真實(shí)案例：先天性聽力障礙的女嬰在助聽器幫助下第一次聽見媽媽的聲音。這個(gè)案例是典型的利用聲學(xué)技術(shù)服務(wù)于現(xiàn)實(shí)生活，比空泛地講述音箱發(fā)聲更讓人印象深刻，情感更加真實(shí)。接下來，作者就可以繼續(xù)闡述這種興趣如何加深自己對聲學(xué)領(lǐng)域的了解，從聲音傳播的原理到聲學(xué)材料設(shè)計(jì)，繼而引出如何深刻影響自己的個(gè)人發(fā)展和職業(yè)目標(biāo)。以這樣<strong>逐步深入、由表及里</strong>的邏輯，「我」的申請動機(jī)就顯得真情實(shí)感、一目了然了。</p> <h2><br /><span style="color: #1890ff;"><strong>方法三、由「一般」到「獨(dú)特」，突出個(gè)人的特殊經(jīng)歷、視角、技能、需求</strong></span></h2> <p><br /><strong>Before：</strong></p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>I am deeply passionate about education and the impact it can have on individuals and communities. Growing up, I witnessed the power of education in transforming the lives of those around me, and I was inspired to pursue a career in this field.【列舉教育的普適性價(jià)值：教育改變生活】 Education has the ability to break down barriers and level the playing field for all individuals, regardless of their background or circumstances. I am committed to being a part of this positive change by working towards creating inclusive and equitable learning environments that empower and inspire students to reach their full potential.【教育打破障礙，公平競爭】 I believe that education is not just about imparting knowledge, but also about fostering critical thinking, creativity, and a love for lifelong learning.【教育培養(yǎng)批判性思維和創(chuàng)造力】 I am eager to contribute my skills and passion to this field and make a positive difference in the lives of those I work with.</p> <p><br /><strong>After：</strong></p> <p><br />In summer 2019, after finishing the College Entrance Examination, I started a short-term middle school volunteer teaching in my hometown. 【以高考后短期支教的獨(dú)特經(jīng)歷為出發(fā)點(diǎn)】The transition from being a junior high school student to a Chinese teacher was a fresh and <strong>exhilarating</strong> experience. However, the sense of responsibility <strong>that came with the role </strong>soon<strong> overshadowed</strong> everything else. For the first time, I experienced the pure and profound connection between teachers and students, as described by Han Yu in his writing On Teaching centuries ago: "<strong>Teachers, therefore, preach, teach, and dispel doubts</strong>."【引用韓愈的《師說》：&ldquo;師者，所以傳道授業(yè)解惑者也。&rdquo;】This volunteer teaching experience <strong>marked a pivotal moment</strong> in my life and <strong>solidified</strong> my dream of pursuing a fulfilling career in education.</p> <p><br />原文處處強(qiáng)調(diào)教育的重要作用，例如改變生活、創(chuàng)造公平、培養(yǎng)能力等等，實(shí)際上是在講所有人都明白的大道理，即「正確的廢話」，<strong>沒有將其與「我」自身的經(jīng)歷結(jié)合起來，因此顯得浮于表面、缺乏獨(dú)特性和記憶點(diǎn)</strong>。</p> <p><br />修改后的PS選取了「我」在高考結(jié)束后這個(gè)關(guān)鍵時(shí)刻的一個(gè)故事，將這段支教經(jīng)歷和「我」在過程中的心態(tài)變化結(jié)合起來，闡述了「我」對韓愈《師說》的深刻認(rèn)知，突出了教育從業(yè)者「傳道、授業(yè)、解惑」的社會責(zé)任和使命感。這樣寫的好處是，<strong>通過分享某個(gè)特定時(shí)刻的個(gè)人事例，讓讀者有種身臨其境的畫面感</strong>，并且「講故事」永遠(yuǎn)比「講道理」更容易讓人印象深刻?；凇肝摇棺约旱慕?jīng)歷，一定是難忘的、獨(dú)特的、生動的、有說服力的，能夠給招生官留下持久的印象。</p> <div class="qrcode-content-wrapper" contenteditable="false">&nbsp;</div>